Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
