Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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