we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
