and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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