Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
