official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
