I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I wear drunk well.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
