Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
