I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
