I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
