how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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