I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
