Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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