I can tuck mytits in my pants
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
