I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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