I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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