Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
