I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
