she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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