I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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