PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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