PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
