i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
