I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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