I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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