Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
