Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
