It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
