Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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