fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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