I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
