Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
