wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
