We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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