you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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