It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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