Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
