i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
