U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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