I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
