I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
