Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
