This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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