if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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