if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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