Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
