I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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