my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
