i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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