My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
